It seems my life has been a bit of a disappointment lately. My health has not been great and finding a diagnosis has been ridiculous. When I look in the mirror I can see my reflection disappointingly looking at me, saying with her saddened eyes, "Why have you let us get into this shape?" But honestly disappointing myself is one thing, something I have comfortably grown to live with. But disappointing someone else is a whole different feeling entirely, almost unbearable in fact.
My husband and I have been dealing with family issues that is wrapped up in a big ball of disappointment. Oddly, it isn't the disappointment in their actions that tend to bother me because frankly who cares. The problem I've seem to be dumbfounded by is the fact that I hate the idea that someone could be disappointed in me. You must understand this isn't bothersome because I feel like I've done something wrong to cause this family drama. Honestly I've enjoyed the break from it's dysfunctional beatings. This is something I have dealt with since the time I was very young and this broken relationship has shed light on a root problem I have been carrying around for a very long time.
I was sitting with my husband, crying over the family drama. There is a lot of hurt and anger but I wasn't crying about that. I wasn't crying about how someone has done me wrong. I was pouring out my heart to my husband because I was scared. Terrified because I felt that if I had a failed relationship with someone, anyone in this case, that meant my relationship with God, the only relationship I think about on a non stop basis, was failing. I was worried that because I had "enemies" this meant that i had let God down in some way. So I had been seeking, searching, asking God to show me how to fix it. I had been asking God to teach me how to be a better person because Christians shouldn't have failing relationships in their lives.
My husband lifted my head, looked me in the eyes and said, "Betsy, just because you feel like you've disappointed someone does not mean that you've disappointed God." Immediately I felt my peace return and I instantly calmed down.
Excited, I shared my breakthrough moment with my brother and he, with that same reassuring look, smiled at me and said, "Betsy when you disappoint your idol, of course your going to think that you've disappointed your God." This time along with peace I felt the heavy hand of conviction sweep over my heart. I realized that I had been trying to please my God through relationships with people not a relationship with Him. The working relationships in my life I had labeled it as a successful hand at walking in love but since I had a relationship that seemed to have no hope in site of being fixable I figured I had let God down in a big big way.
Obviously most of you that are reading this are saying "Duh!" but what's so strange is that I thought this issues of pleasing people had been conquered a long time ago. I mean I even have Joyce Myer audio tapes to prove it! Apparently it isn't and I now have to go around the mountain again but down a entirely different path. A path where I can let people be who they are without changing who I am to make them more comfortable. A path where love is looking past peoples faults but not feeding apathy to keep a false peace. A path where my eyes are turned to God and I know I'm pleasing Him not idols.
Overall I've learned that disappointing people does not mean that you are disappointing God. Sometimes it's necessary for everyone's development. Keeping your eyes on God is the only way to overcome the illusion that this world offers us to keep us distracted from being conquerors. So maybe disappointment doesn't have to be so negative. Maybe the persecution of disappointment means your eyes are set on the Son.
My husband and I have been dealing with family issues that is wrapped up in a big ball of disappointment. Oddly, it isn't the disappointment in their actions that tend to bother me because frankly who cares. The problem I've seem to be dumbfounded by is the fact that I hate the idea that someone could be disappointed in me. You must understand this isn't bothersome because I feel like I've done something wrong to cause this family drama. Honestly I've enjoyed the break from it's dysfunctional beatings. This is something I have dealt with since the time I was very young and this broken relationship has shed light on a root problem I have been carrying around for a very long time.
I was sitting with my husband, crying over the family drama. There is a lot of hurt and anger but I wasn't crying about that. I wasn't crying about how someone has done me wrong. I was pouring out my heart to my husband because I was scared. Terrified because I felt that if I had a failed relationship with someone, anyone in this case, that meant my relationship with God, the only relationship I think about on a non stop basis, was failing. I was worried that because I had "enemies" this meant that i had let God down in some way. So I had been seeking, searching, asking God to show me how to fix it. I had been asking God to teach me how to be a better person because Christians shouldn't have failing relationships in their lives.
My husband lifted my head, looked me in the eyes and said, "Betsy, just because you feel like you've disappointed someone does not mean that you've disappointed God." Immediately I felt my peace return and I instantly calmed down.
Excited, I shared my breakthrough moment with my brother and he, with that same reassuring look, smiled at me and said, "Betsy when you disappoint your idol, of course your going to think that you've disappointed your God." This time along with peace I felt the heavy hand of conviction sweep over my heart. I realized that I had been trying to please my God through relationships with people not a relationship with Him. The working relationships in my life I had labeled it as a successful hand at walking in love but since I had a relationship that seemed to have no hope in site of being fixable I figured I had let God down in a big big way.
Obviously most of you that are reading this are saying "Duh!" but what's so strange is that I thought this issues of pleasing people had been conquered a long time ago. I mean I even have Joyce Myer audio tapes to prove it! Apparently it isn't and I now have to go around the mountain again but down a entirely different path. A path where I can let people be who they are without changing who I am to make them more comfortable. A path where love is looking past peoples faults but not feeding apathy to keep a false peace. A path where my eyes are turned to God and I know I'm pleasing Him not idols.
Overall I've learned that disappointing people does not mean that you are disappointing God. Sometimes it's necessary for everyone's development. Keeping your eyes on God is the only way to overcome the illusion that this world offers us to keep us distracted from being conquerors. So maybe disappointment doesn't have to be so negative. Maybe the persecution of disappointment means your eyes are set on the Son.
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