Struggling to sleep, I stared into the
blackness that was my bedroom ceiling. Overwhelmed, I prayed to God.
My insecurities beating me with it's lofty hands, I begged God to
just help me. No tears. No dramatic pleas. Just acknowledgment that
I couldn't seem to “positive attitude” myself out of this funk.
I heard God call out to me, “ Come be
with me. Get up and come be with me.” I was tired but knew that
this was exactly what I needed. Just a hug from my Father. I just
needed to be with Him. I got up, grabbed a big white fluffy quilt,
tip toed into the kitchen and grabbed my bible, then snuggled into my
favorite spot on the couch. My eyes were heavy and I felt the baby
throbs of a headache emerging, but the need of being in His presence
was the only thing I knew that could give me the rest I sought for.
He took me to Luke 8. Again, the
parable of the seed and the soil. He had been taking me to this
parable (that is mentioned several times throughout the New
Testament) so many times over the past couple of days. My face
crinkled with confusion, I realized that the Holy Spirit had been
trying to counsel me over what had been a trying week and this time I
better listen. This time I wasn't going to brush the scripture off
as a “nice thought” and I would listen.
Simultaneously, I began to read and ask
God to help me to understand what it was He was trying to show me.
Luke 8:1-8. Having read about the seed and the soil so many times
before, I felt confident enough in my human wisdom that I understood
what Jesus was saying in this “packed” parable. But trailing at
the end of verse eight, Jesus, finishing with wisdom from a different
depth says,
“..Anyone with ears to hear
should listen
and understand.”
Okay,
I heard that loud and clear. The Holy Spirit was really wanting me to
pay attention. Continuing on in Luke 9-15, Jesus explains what
exactly the seed is, what exactly the soil means, and the action that
happens when the seed and the soil collide. I realized how much the
soil looked like a progression of our faith at times. But what
really stood out to me was verse 15, “And
the seed that fell on the good soil represents honest, good-hearted
people who hear
God's word, cling to it, and patiently produce a huge harvest.” The
Holy Spirit really began to minister to my wounds here. He reassured
me that He is growing roots in me. I am learning how to “hear”
God's word, not just read it. I am learning how to rely on His word
and use it. And I am learning that patience is a requirement of this
plant (God's relationship with me) growing deep, deep, roots in me.
He instantly revealed to me that this inflammation of insecurities
was happening because I have been trying to do things according to my
time table. I have been trying to rush and achieve. No wonder I feel
unsuccessful and unaccomplished. I've been listening to too many
loving people about what and how I should approach the next chapter
of my life. God's already spoken to me about my future. I need to
patiently rest on those promises.
Slightly
embarrassed by the gentle correction from God, I continued to read on
and oh how my embarrassment turned into excitement. Verse16: “
No one lights a lamp and then covers it...” God
explained to me that He did not set me on fire ( He did this summer.
Another story for another time maybe?) with no purpose. “A
lamp is placed on a stand, where its light can be seen by all who
enter the house.” He
has intentions of using me with a purpose. Just as a candle is used
with a purpose. Then He continued to make the scripture come to
life, verse 17: “ For all
that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and every
thing that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to
all.” When
He read that to me, when I
listened,
He had a very excited tone that was so full of hope. God can't wait
to light us on fire and use us for our designed purpose.
Those
plans that I had mentioned before, the visions that God has given me
about my future, will happen, and there is no need for me to worry
about one little detail of it. I just have to be obedient. It's so
funny how I had read that scripture, many times before, about
everything secret being revealed and thought it had meant something
completely different. I almost read it as a scary, kind of a “uh
oh” kind of thing. But that is not how the Holy Spirit read that to
my heart. Then Jesus goes on to explain in verse 18, “
So pay attention to how you
hear. To those who
listen to my teaching, more
understanding will be given. But for those who are not listening,
even what they think they understand will be taken away from them.”
So
excited and wide eyed, I continued to read and God went on to remind
me once again of who I am. In verse 21, Jesus says, “
My mother and my brothers are all those who hear
God's word and obey
it.”
He wanted me to know that I am apart of His family and most
importantly it's all about hearing.. listening.
I
am able to rest easy knowing I don't need to worry about success or
my plans. Gods got my back. And just like Jesus says, (verse 25) “
Where is your faith?” Those
beatings that my insecurities give me will be easily remedied by
those deep roots and my faith that my Father God keeps His promises!
For
I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans
to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a
future. -Jeremiah
29:11
